Friday, February 18, 2011

Her Chub in Me

Anne was and is the biggest fag hag I have ever met. The next day at school she wouldn't stop waving at me. Anne enjoyed talking to you while she was walking at you. It was all very embarrassing.

Come lunch time, I saw Penny and Anne interact. Penny wanted nothing to do with Anne, but for some reason Anne didn't get it. I couldn't hear their conversation, only seeing the tragedy unfold. Anne approached the table and Penny wouldn't even let her sit down. Anne greeted her, Penny said hi and turned right back around to the "populars". Then the "populars" all laughed and Anne laughed too. The next thirty minutes lasted three hours and Anne just stood there never being offered a seat. A statue, towering over squawking teens trying to desperately join the conversation. She was placed behind and laughed at their jokes. I felt bad for Anne, but I don't know why she tried. Why care?

I was sure she was going to cancel the whole ice rink thing, but somehow she got my number and called me. Right as I was walking in the door the phone rang. I guess she could have used a phonebook. If so, I'm amazed at the amount of energy Anne put into people that didn't seem to care for her. The phone call was very awkward on my end and I wanted to call it off, but I couldn't. I felt like karma made it my obligation to watch this train wreck.

Leroy picked me up in the largest car I had ever seen. He said it was some kind of town car. Anne sat uncomfortably close to me in the back seat. She also sat on my hand and I was too scared to ask her to move over until my hand became uncomfortably numb. Leroy dropped us off in front of the rink, then grabbed and shook my flaccid hand. "You need to learn to have a firm handshake Sam. A 'manshake' as we call it." I imagined something really gay. "Well take care of Anne I'll see you kids at 9:30."

And just like, that Leroy was gone and I was alone with Anne. Gazing into the neon lights of my impending doom, it read "ICE RINK FUN FUN". I didn't trust those lights, they seemed to wink and grin an awful grin.

"Come on Stupid, let's go." Anne tugged me on into the man-made tundra that reeked with the scent of a teenage favorite--impostor cK1 cologne. I was wearing the same.

The pretty girls circled.

Anne's gut cried and gurgled.

They notice her large presence in orbit.

Penny's laugh stops with a cough.

"Wow Anne, I'm surprised you came." Penny said with a devilishly smug half smile. Fuck her, I thought!

"Why wouldn't I show up, Penny. I mean, geez, you told me you'd be here." Oh Anne, so naive, not even realizing Penny's malicious intent.

"Well Anne, you have changed a lot since we were little. You were… I mean we were so very little then. The girls all giggled. Anne just smiled and nodded as if she didn't get the joke. "With all this extra weight, I didn't think your ankles could support being on ice skates. I mean, have you ever seen a cow on ice skates? It's just not natural." Penny: the awful bitch. The horde of girls could not control their laughter. Those beasts, suckling from Lisa Frank's rancid tit, belching their insecure hatred in unison like Hitler youth on a fascist march. They waited for Anne’s response.

"Penny Shalot, you are a cunt." Words were never so delicately spoken. Anne sucked up her pride, held her tears with an internal pinch, and marched back outside.

I would like to pretend I was there backing up Anne that night, but I wasn't. The most I did was say a faint "yeah" under my breath as I followed Anne out the door. The girls all stood in silence.

Outside the giant mass of anxiety and insecurity that made Anne so huge poured out of her. The tears and moans were so large and loud I almost expected Anne to get smaller. "I thought it would be different here. I didn't expect Penny to be so different here!" she cried. You can't expect people to stay the way you left them. At thirteen everyone is horrible. I was horrible. I could have warned Anne. I think I was kind of waiting for the disaster, because I wanted to see Anne fail. And at that moment I realized, in some after-school-special way, I was horrible like Penny. Who was I to think I was better than Anne? She was the first person in months to invite me to do anything. I respected her for doing something I could never do--call Penny Shalot a cunt.

I was so silent, so awkwardly silent. Her whimpers stopped and she looked at me for some reaction. I didn't know how to console. I've never had to. I remembered the movies and I moved to her slowly. I tried to wrap my arms around her--they got about half way. She was so very large. I went to give her a kiss on the cheek. Anne moved her head. Eyes to eyes we met and she shoved her tongue in my mouth. I swear her tongue was as thick as five hot dogs. I was deep throating a bologna log. I choked and she pulled out then she laughed into the frigid night air. I felt raped. I didn't want that. She talked and all I heard was white noise. I stared down at her swollen heaving bosom, like giant utters begging for release.

I was so mad, I wanted to hit her. Instead I spoke. "I have to leave."

Anne was bewildered. "But it's not even eight o'clock."

I ran. I ran and I didn't look back. I didn't know where home was, but wandering the streets felt more comfortable. I lived surprisingly close to the ice skating rink, about a twenty minute jog. When I got home I rushed the stairs, but I felt like something was following me. Something big. Something called Anne. I almost locked the door. I looked around the house for Charlotte, but she was gone. Not surprisingly. Sometimes I'd forget and I imagined I had a normal mother. These fantasies never lasted that long.

I tried to sleep that night but couldn't. I wrote:

Dear Diary,

Fear of her

of her in me

her chub

my throat

did they see

her close to me

did they see

the fear in me.